1996-11, 어둠속의 성

1996 쓰여진 11번째 시, a castle in the dark

11th poem written by Sooyoung Kim, 1996

저기 저기

어…저기..저 시커먼 곳은 어딜까

악..소름 끼쳐  

온통 어둠 뿐이네

아..저기 저기 성이 보여

아둠 속에 성이 있어

저 새는 무얼까

저 새들은 왜 저렇게

눈을 뜨자 그 성은 없어져 버렸네.

손을 대자 그 성은 흩어져 버렸어.

그 성을 찾아

헤맸네

하지만 찾을 수 없었어

이 곳엔 

어둠이라고는 눈곱만큼도 없었거든

난 그 어둠이 궁금했어

너무도 궁금했지

내가 모르는 그 곳이 

너무도 궁금해서

견딜 수 없었어

난 그곳이 어디있는지

그 곳이 어디 있는지

찾아 헤맸지

하지만 

난 눈을 떴고

이제야

난 알게 되었네

내가 그 곳에 

내 한 다리를 

디디고 서 있음을

Over there

uh…there… where is that black sight?

Oh…it’s creepy  

There’s only darkness

Ah… I see a castle over there.

There is a castle in the dark

What are those birds?

Why are those birds like that?

When I opened my eyes, the castle was gone.

As soon as I touched it, the castle fell apart.

I wandered to

find that castle

I wandered

But I couldn’t find it.

In this place 

There wasn’t even the slightest hint of darkness.

I was curious about that darkness

I was so curious

That place I don’t know 

I’m so curious

I couldn’t bear it

I don’t know where it is

Where is that place

I searched for it

but 

I opened my eyes

Now

I found out

I’m standing

my one leg on the darkness

Oasis

I enrolled in one English Class at MiraCosta College, California, in the USA, for the first time in my life. My teachers’ name is Donna Fazio DiBenedetto. I just had 2 units, but I feel already, I am learning quite a good quality of English reading and writing class. Last week, we read “In Los Angeles, a Garden Oasis.” Written by Stella Kalinina, and we wrote our essays. 

 “In Los Angeles, a Garden Oasis is “a physical and spiritual recovery zone, a cooperative and multi-cultural zone, and the Garden Oasis connects humans to humans, community, generations, and nature.” While reading, I think hard about where my comfort zone and my soul nourishment oasis are. Here California has community gardens all around, and when we visit the library, we can easily get the information. The below is my assay which I wrote for the class but a little bit modified for my blog. 

So far, my physical and spiritual recovery and conforming zone is in my hometown, where I grew up. To say more specifically, my oasis is my mother’s food, my parents’ garden, and their support. When I need help, I visit them, and I recover physically and spiritually.  

I grew up in a small city named Chuncheon in South Korea. Chuncheon has rivers, ponds, and mountains all around. My parents have a large garden that has fine trees,  flowers, and fruit trees. Almost all the trees are older than me because my dad planted most of them with his dad, my grandfather. I had a rabbit, chickens, and dogs when I was young in the garden. My parents sometimes planted peppers, eggplants, lettuces, and peas. Among my three siblings, I was the best garden lover and helped to remove weeds and shape trees. The garden had chives as well, so I could eat chive pancakes at any time. 

To study after high school, I moved to Seoul, the biggest city in South Korea where my college was located, and I lived around Korea University from 1994 to 2010, before I came to the USA. I am just realizing that I have not stayed at any one place for over 20 years so far. If I live a long time in one place, my comfort zone might change, but at this moment, my comfort zone is still my hometown. When I had to stop studying at college due to tuberculosis sickness, I returned to Chuncheon. One thing that I enjoyed was harvesting peas and removing weeds while listening to music in the garden. At that time, I liked a song of  Squre’s Dream. Another thing I enjoyed was walking outside and riding buses without destinations. When I had my second baby in the USA, I missed my hometown, flowers, and mountains. I missed even the color of the sky that I saw in Korea. Korea has its own plants and flowers such as Jindallae (Korean rosebay), Gaenali (forsythia), and Cosmos (kosmea), and a clean blue sky in autumn like here in California. California has the same type of Cosmos flowers as those found in Korea, but it was hard for me to see Cosmos flowers when I lived in Maryland, Eastern USA. When I heard a music piece named Spring in My Hometown, Gohyang-uibom, I was gloomy, sad and teary. My husband and I wanted to save money and did not often visit Korea. Actually, we had not visited Korea for 7 years straight. When I quit working my second job in the USA, I finally visited Korea with my two daughters, and I regretted that I should have visited my parents more often. None of us can catch or stop time. Our parents will not wait for us forever if we do not visit them. During the COVID pandemics from 2020 to 2021, I stayed in Korea with my second daughter, helping my parents, while still working for a living for my family and them, which was hard but gave me infinite strength. After COVID, my family moved to California from Maryland because my husband and I had new jobs here. However, a job at a small biotech company was not stable, and when the company closed my center, I lost my job. This time, I do not feel weak, but I feel that I have to visit my hometown and see my parents, and others. 

Now, I know my physical and spiritual Oasis is still my parents, my old home where I grew up, but  somehow, I feel I started having another Oasis here in California. I dream of staying at one place, in California for a long time, and feel that my family is another of my Oasis. 

54 동전양면/ Two sides of a coin

다른 이를

이해 할 수 있다 해도

이해라는 말 속에서

옳고 그름을 버려서는 안 되요

하지만 옳고 그름은 동전 양면일지도 몰라요

삶은 모두 허용할지 몰라요

Two sides of a coin

Someone else who you can understand

In the word of understanding

You must not abandon right and wrong.

However, right and wrong seem be two sides of the same coin

Life will allow it both, maybe

52 감사기도 / Thanksgiving

무언가 그대의 것이 될때, 

그대가 무엇인 가를 이루었을 때

감사 기도부터 하세요

충분히 감사한 연 후에나 

그것을 온전히 즐길 수 있어요.

When something becomes yours, 

When you achieve something

Start by praying thanks

After giving enough thanks 

You can fully enjoy it.

50 돌봄 / Take care

올바름과 그름

나쁨과 좋음이란 선입견 아래

자신의 감정을 속박하지 말아요

자신의 감정에 솔직해야 해요

자신의 마음 돌보는 일은 중요해요

Right and wrong

Under the preconceptions

Don’t bind your feelings

You have to be honest about your feelings

It’s important to take care of your own mind

48. 함께 / Together

함께 바라보고
함께 꿈꾸고
함께 나아갈 수 있는 사람을
만날 수 있기 바래요
길고도 짧은 길
재미있고, 아름답게
이해 하고 이해 받으면서 걷기 바래요.


Looking together
dreaming together
I hope you meet Someone, 
whom you can move forward with
I hope you walk with someone, understanding and being understood.
long and short way during your journey
Full with fun and beauty

46. 틀 / the norm

비가 와도 우산을 쓰지 말아 봐요

자리가 비어도 앉지 말아 봐요

가질수 있는 걸 놓쳐도 보아요

생각의 틀에서 벗어나 봐요

이것도 저것도 즐겨봐요

Even if it rains, don’t use an umbrella

Even if the seat is empty, don’t sit down.

Even if you have what you could have, Just miss it out  

Step outside the norm

Enjoy this and that 

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